Thursday, May 14, 2009

Stupid feelings

9 years ago I was told that maybe the reason God didn't allow me to get pregnant was because He didn't want me to be a mom. At the time I was the mother to a 2 year old and a newborn. This was told to me in a group setting by several church "friends" who felt that I "spared the rod" too much. Basically they were telling me that I wasn't a good mom and that by adopting my kids I went against God's will. I went through a year a major depression during that time. I questioned everything I did and I didn't enjoy my kids like I should have. I missed out on what should have been the happiest time of my life.

Well, today something STUPID happened and it brought back all those bad feelings of how I wasn't a good mom. I have this dumb feeling that all the other mom's are going to judge me just like the other people did. That the friendships that I was finally starting to make were going to end before they had a chance to start. Why do we treat each other this way? Why do we feel the need to lift ourselves higher at the expense of those around us?

The situation ended great and no harm was done, but still, I know that tongues wag. Sometimes I want to move far away on 1000 acres of land and not have to deal with another soul except my nice small family. But I know that is not God's way and His plan for us.

So if you see a mom struggling.. lift her up and pray for her.. and if you think of me today, I could use some prayer myself.

To make things even worse and cause more emotional drain, we learned that a dear friend from Lafayette was killed in a car accident. He leaves behind a wife and 3 kids... my heart aches for them.



Good to be a Queen said...

Moving to 1ooo acre farm will do you no good, my bloggy friend...The devil will find you there too!!! I love to blog and have had a few ugly comments posted...Don't let people or so called "Friends" judge you...Friends don't judge, you are in my prayers.....

candimann said...

I'm sorry, Rachel! My experience has been that the moms who have older children are much less judgmental than the ones whose kids haven't "turned out" yet. Those of us who have raised kids all the way through know that we don't ever know the whole story when we see things go on between parents and children in public. My dad used to tell me I was too easy on one of my kids because I never punished him when he disobeyed. What my dad didn't know is that when we visited, I didn't want to embarrass my son by punishing him right there in front of everyone, so I did it later when we were off by ourselves. I could tell you a million stories of people judging me who didn't have a clue.

I'm sorry about your friend dying. I will pray for that family. How sad.