Saturday, January 4, 2014

Our Story Pt 2

Disclaimer: There are going to be parts of this post were I sound bitter… I was and sometimes, I still get angry about the things that were said to us and done to us…but I let go faster and realize that God never left us. I realize that people will say stupid things when you are hurting. Especially if it is a hurt that they have never experienced.

We told just a few family members of our decision.. Just one month after our decision we found out that my brother and his wife were pregnant. Surely we would be next. Then just a few months later we found out that dear friends of our and J’s brother and wife were going to have a baby…Surely we would be next. Doubts began to cross my mind. What was God’s plan? Did children even fit in this plan? During this first year, we watched our friends make grand announcements and then visited them in the hospital and rejoiced when their babies were born. It was hard year. We were asked the question over and over by unknowing people in church. “When are you two going to have a baby?” It was an innocent question, but it hurt. We would mumble something about not wanting kids yet, or God’s timing, or some other excuse, all the while wanting to run out of the room and cry.

Then it happened, our friends began making announcements again. AGAIN!!… and we never got to make our first. It was then that our good friend/youth pastor suggested that we go to the doctor. It was more of a threat, but I am glad that he made it.

My first Dr was HORRIBLE! He made excuses, told me I was young, “saw” nothing wrong, etc. So, I found another that specialized in infertility. How I hated looking at that word. But we were now on 3 years trying. J was back in school and we had no money, but I needed answers.

Early in our journey, we made several decisions about how much we were willing to do. And we always knew that we had no reservations about adoption, if and when God gave us the go ahead.

My next Dr was awesome! He listened to me and showed concern. He ran all the necessary tests and he showed compassion when he gave me the news. I would not be able to get pregnant without help. We would start small, and try the easiest route.

During the next few years we tried everything he suggested. I do have to say that we would try for a few months and then take several months off. I couldn’t handle to emotional rollercoaster month after month. That and J was in school so the “rush” wasn’t there.

During these years we lost a lot of friends. They had children, kids birthday parties, mom’s nights out and play dates. Things that didn’t include us. We hooked up with single friends, who later got married and had kids…and didn’t include us. This was the time that we learned that WE were the most important people in our marriage. Not friends. J did have one friend from high school who we couldn’t seem to get rid of. We tried, but he wouldn’t leave. He and J had the same major and took most of their classes together. We joked constantly about having to “baby sit Mike” Mike was a constant.. We needed that.


I learned that a church can be encouraging, but also discouraging. While the people there meant well, for the most part they spoke before thinking. I also quit asking for prayer. Asking for prayer also meant asking for advice, and boy were they full of it. I won’t go into what they said, but let’s just say they were trying to be funny…but were stupid. I also quit going to church for Mother’s Day.. Another time for elders and deacons to say stupid things. If you are a greeter or a pastor, please train your people to be sensitive to everyone. And to keep their opinions to themselves.

J graduated from college and we bought 5 acres. We moved a sweet little bungalow onto the property and began fixing it up. This was a sweet time. A time for me to pour my energies into something else besides a baby. Oh how I loved that little house.

J's first day teaching

Just when I thought that we were the only ones going through this, God brought a couple into our lives. They were our age and had been married just over a year longer than us. They had no children and were beginning their adoption journey. They were new Christians and their faith was strong. Since they didn’t know our history it was easy for them to encourage us where our other friends had given up.

In Dec of 1996, I was told that I needed surgery. Apparently all the treatments had done a number on my system. It needed to be repaired. God reminded me that once again, I was blessed with the man that he had given me. Seriously, having your husband walk you to the bathroom at 12, 2 and 4 in the morning is proof that he loves you….LOL


Genesis 30:1-2
Now when Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister, and said to Jacob, “Give me children, or else I die!” Seriously this is how I felt. It took a few years before that changed. I learned that prayer isn’t always about asking God for what you want. I began to pray His will and His plan for our lives. I also learned that J and I could be alone. No kids and it would be fine. If it is what God had intended then we would be able to do it. This lesson is something that I still carry with me. I know that no matter what happens, God has a plan and He will carry me through it. God gave me the perfect man to travel this road with. Although, he likes to make a decision and GO, he was steady in all that we did. Pride never got in the way and I love that he chose to walk side by side with me. Even to this day, if we have a choice to be with a group of people or to be alone, we choose us.

My Dr gave the go ahead for us to try again the next month. We signed up for the procedure and got my meds… maybe the surgery was successful….. Or maybe not…. Feb 1997 we tried again… I remember when I realized that it didn’t work. I was shopping with my mom and just lost it. She brought me to J’s work and he took me home… after a drive. Driving is where we talked best. No distractions.. Just us and the road and good conversation. It was then that he asked me the question that changed my thinking. “what is it that we want? Do you want to get pregnant or do you want to have a baby?” I answered “I just want to be a mom”

Here is where we took a turn on this journey. It was the best move that we had made. They journey didn’t get easier…in fact, although this was the shortest leg of our journey, it seemed the longest.

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